J.S. Mason > J.S.'s Quotes

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#1

“I’d normally spare you the details, but that would kind of defeat the purpose of writing a story.”
― J.S. Mason, The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

tags: clever, fourth-wall, funny, humor, humorous, insightful, narrator, satire, snarky, witty

1 likes

#2

“He threw caution to the wind. Caution was not too fond of the wind and would later seek revenge on him for this treacherous debauchery.”
― J.S. Mason, The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

tags: absurd, clever, humor, nonsensical, odd, personification, silly, wacky, whimsical, witty

3 likes

#3

“Her guts told her that something was amiss. Alexandra only spoke to her intestines once in a while, so she wasn’t sure if they were to be trusted.”
― J.S. Mason, The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

tags: clever, doubt, funny, gut-instincts, instincts, intuition, sixth-sense, skepticism, uncertainty, witty

1 likes

#4

“My genetics have been in my family for generations.”
― J.S. Mason, The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

tags: ancestry, biology, clever, descendants, family, funny, geneology, genetics, science, witty

2 likes

#5

“He remembered that he did have one thing going for him – his memory.”
― J.S. Mason, The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

tags: clever, flashbacks, forgetfulness, funny, memory, nostalgia, recollection, reflection, remember, witty

2 likes

#6

“His mentality was dressed up as a moral code, but when naked, was simply a preference.”
― J.S. Mason, The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

tags: clever, deceit, deception, decisions, ethical, funny, morality, philosophical, witty

3 likes

#7

“The only thing you should feel entitled to is gratitude.”
― J.S. Mason, The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

tags: appreciation, clever, entitlement, expectations, gratitude, obligation, philosophical, respect, thankful, witty

3 likes

#8

“I only like to coat things with the truth, that’s the only apparel things need these days.”
― J.S. Mason, The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

tags: authenticity, clever, funny, honesty, integrity, morals, philosophy, truth, values, witty

1 likes

#9

“Get your head out of your ass, you already reek of hypocrisy, so why add notes to the fragrance?”
― J.S. Mason, The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

tags: absurd, clever, funny, humor, hypocrisy, perfume, ridicule, snarky, truth, witty

2 likes

#10

“The wolves were now permanently mute out of almost three week long perpetual fear of the penguin, and this was agreeable to the penguin, who was much pleased, contrary to the redundancy of the latter part of this sentence where he certainly was not pleased.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: agreement, clever, fear, fourth-wall, funny, humorous, penguins, silence, witty, wolves

0 likes

#11

“And the emu, not standing up to the cassowary, accompanied the cassowary on their continued journey of the safari, never to return because a zebra herd trapped them back into pre-color television times indefinitely.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: cassowary, clever, emu, funny, journey, ostrich, safari, television, witty, zebras

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#12

“The vet was open this late, because he needed the business and the money to keep the “not closed” sign lit.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: clever, evening, funny, medical, nighttime, quirky, vet, veterinarian, witty

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#13

“He had been shuffled out so quickly he didn’t even realize what he was wearing, like a King of Spades who wanted to file a complaint to the playing card company manufacturer for not drawing him a garden tool like he specifically asked for.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: cards, clever, complaining, funny, gardening, humorous, king, playing-cards, quirky, witty

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#14

“The book that he wanted was in an area that seemed barren and deserted from the rest of the library, like a friend who had been alienated for committing a social faux pas such as pronouncing French words with the English “x” and “s” sound, not the “faux pas” referring to the loser in a paternity test battle.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: clever, friendship, funny, library, paternity, paternity-test, socializing, standards, witty, wordplay

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#15

“Santa was sweating, so much so that he realized that his coat was in no way indicative of a man who acclimated to changing temperature conditions”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: christmas, clever, clothing, conditions, funny, santa, santa-claus, sweat, temperature, witty

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#16

“like two single people playing cat and mouse for way too long, where the cheese has long since expired for the mouse and the mouse is way too malnourished for the cat.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: being-single, cat-and-mouse, cheese, clever, dating, diet, funny, malnourished, relationships, witty

2 likes

#17

“The ibex ran off with her neighbor, after five days, to do some environmental and social reform campaigning in the Mexican mountains hoping to see some casaba melons, as well as houses for sheep, and informed the penguin he would do well.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: clever, fruit, funny, houses, ibex, melons, mountains, sheep, witty, wordplay

0 likes

#18

“He touched the wall and the paint was cold so it probably needed another coat.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: art, clever, clothing, fashion, funny, humorous, paint, painting, touch, witty

1 likes

#19

“The bitter tasted like the truth, the sweet tasted like a lie.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: bitter, clever, deep, lies, lying, sweet, taste, truth, truthfulness, witty

1 likes

#20

“yet one animal food critic in particular commented that his dish had a certain ‘je ne sais’, but all that was missing was the ‘quoi’.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: clever, cooking, critics, food, french, funny, humorous, intangible, witty, wordplay

0 likes

#21

“The lion forever owed his pride and life to his wife, showing some humility, but we’ve all done things we’re not proud of.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: clever, humility, husband, lion, lions, marriage, pride, wife, witty, wordplay

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#22

“it’s three strikes and you’re out of the union”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: baseball, clever, employment, funny, groups, organizations, strikes, togetherness, unions, witty

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#23

“It all began when Santa’s helpers demanded Universal Elf Care.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: christmas, clever, elves, expectations, funny, health, santa, union, witty, wordplay

0 likes

#24

“Au contraire, and because I said that, that makes me French, unlike the Englishman at a Paris auction house who raised his '3' paddle after a Frenchman yelled, 'I bid you adieu.”
― J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

tags: auction, clever, english, french, funny, paris, tourists, travel, witty, wordplay

0 likes

#25

“But before the man could reach the door, there was a knock, like one that happens to precipitate a courtship meeting for two punctuation marks that are going out to dinner and one really doesn’t like the restaurant, but goes anyway because they’re a comma dating.”
― J.S. Mason, The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

tags: absurd, clever, courtship, dating, dinner, funny, humorous, punctuation, witty, wordplay

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#26

“as they marched out on their way to band practice to get fitted for new hats to hide foam rollers in, as the athletic director was very against the band members having smooth fascia and demanded they have sore muscles while the football team played.”
― J.S. Mason, The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

tags: absurd, athletics, clever, football, funny, humorous, marching-band, muscles, sarcasm, witty

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#27

“Sifting with a sifter, artifacts after artifacts after artifiction that was ruled out as planted by some teenagers that were trying to pepper the site with pepper shakers that were from millennia ago, failing to take into account that those items were created less than 200 years ago.”
― J.S. Mason, The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

tags: archaeologists, archaeology, artifacts, clever, funny, humor, humorous, pepper, sarcasm, witty

1 likes

#28

“The mummy felt betrayed, like when a spouse agrees on a movie you decided to watch only to put on a different movie as you go to the bathroom, having to sit through the whole movie and not argue about it because it’s not worth fighting over, just boiling up inside and remembering it for later when they want their coffee with half-and-half, knowing that you put 2-percent milk in there and they won’t know, but you will.”
― J.S. Mason, The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

tags: absurd, betrayal, betrayed, clever, funny, humor, revenge, significant-other, spouse, witty

1 likes

#29

“But then the room became sullen, like a community member meeting for sheep that are hearing a ruling about to be declared and are asked to speak now or forever hold their fleece.”
― J.S. Mason, The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

tags: absurd, clever, community, funny, humor, humorous, meetings, sheep, witty, wordplay

0 likes

#30

“the designer music shop that sold status cymbals.”
― J.S. Mason, The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

tags: absurd, funny, humor, humorous, music, sarcasm, status, witty, wordplay

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