Dark Humor Quotes

“You may be married to a star, but that doesn't mean they'll treat you like one.”
― Jess C. Scott, I'm Pretty

“While art thrives on the blazing colours of scandal, literature blossoms on the dark soil of tragedy.”
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

“My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.”
― DeAnne Smith

“I'm afraid it's not nonsense," Genghis said, shaking his turbaned head and continuing his story. "As I was saying before the little girl interrupted me, the baby didn't dash off with the other orphans. She just sat there like a sack of flour. So I walked over to her and gave her a kick to get her moving."

"Excellent idea!" Nero said. "What a wonderful story this is! And then what happened?"

"Well, at first it seemed like I'd kicked a big hole in the baby," Genghis said, his eyes shining, "which seemed lucky, because Sunny was a terrible athlete and it would have been a blessing to put her out of her misery."

Nero clapped his hands. "I know just what you mean, Genghis," he said. "She's a terrible secretary as well."

"But she did all that stapling," Mr. Remora protested.
"Shut up and let the coach finish his story," Nero said.

"But when I looked down," Genghis continued, "I saw that I hadn't kicked a hole in a baby. I'd kicked a hole in a bag of flour! I'd been tricked!"

"That's terrible!" Nero cried.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Austere Academy

“In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.”
― Neil Degrasse Tyson

“Mr Cjelli, nice to see you back, sir. Sorry you had a spot of bother, hope that's all behind you now."
"Indeed, Bill, it is. You find me thriving. And Mrs Roberts? How is she? Foot still troubling her?"
"Not since she had it off, thanks for asking, sir. Between you and me, sir, I would've been just as happy to have had her amputated and kept the foot. I had a little spot reserved on the mantelpiece, but there we are, we have to take things as we find them."
(...)
"...thank you, and my best to what remains of Mrs Roberts.”
― Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

“Alice is fictional. This isn't.”
― Jess C. Scott, Zombie Mania: A Zombie Apocalypse Parody

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
― Tim Vine

“[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!
And that thought just cracked me up.]
It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.”
― Sherman Alexie, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian

“Nothing can unman you like an un-man.”
― Chuck Hogan, The Strain

“Some things just scrape my spine!”
― Brick Marlin

“... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.”
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

“I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.”
― Mark Twain, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

“I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”
― Andrew Lawrence

“You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether people are screwing enough. Dealing with spirits, spooks, and demons almost seemed normal.”
― Tom Upton, Hellhounds

“I learned that it's okay to feel the way I do: that my life has no meaning unless I have a boyfriend. A real man is like the perfect vampire-boy and all the perfect guys in Twue Wuv.”
― Jess C. Scott, Literary Heroin (Gluttony): A Twilight Parody

“However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot.”
― J.G. Ballard, High-Rise

“What’s life in this nation? Collect emptiness in a household of cornflakes. Transient fuel gobbles attention, the television aches, the truth walks. Scheme worms welcome your corpse, trap clicks and you’re in heaven, bored rigid
”
― Steve Aylett

“Are you entirely sure of that knot?' asked Morveer. 'There is no place in the plan for a lengthy drop'.
'Twenty-eight strides', said Friendly.
'What?'
'The drop'.
A brief pause, 'That is not helpful'.”
― Joe Abercrombie, Best Served Cold

“I hear they make greeting cards now
to thank your therapist... for NOTHING”
― Casey Renee Kiser, Swan Wreck

“Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car...”
― Tim Key

“Sir, come quick. They've found a body in the canal."
I blew out my breath. Saved by the corpse.
...The corpse in question was Nigel Nicabar.
The watchers had collected the bodies found in Nigel's house, garden, and canal, and put them in the greenhouse located at the back of the garden. The necromancer's talents weren't with living things, so the greenhouse's tables were pretty much empty - at least of plants. Dead goblins lay under sheets and tarps. I couldn't help feeling that Nigel would have approved. What he wouldn't have approved of was being included among them. Nigel wouldn't have been caught dead surrounded by goblins, yet that's exactly how and where he was. I don't think he would have appreciated the irony.”
― Lisa Shearin, Magic Lost, Trouble Found

“I love the movie "Titanic." It's my favorite romantic comedy!”
― Troy Bisson

“I yank open the cutlery drawer to be confronted with an anomaly worse than emails from dead people or a man with a gun sitting on my bed. It's a large carving knife with a viciously serrated edge and two broken teeth. It's tarnished with rust. It's not mine. And neither is the china figurine of a kitten with one paw playfully raised, also stained with rust. But it's not rust. It's not rust at all. Perversely, the thought that flashes through my brain is "I can haz murder weapon?" I laugh out loud, a sobbing hiccup.”
― Lauren Beukes, Zoo City

“Death is the ultimate vacation: you’re with the stars, you don’t have to pay rent, everyone loves you, and nothing hurts. So, it’s very important you save death for later.”
― Karl Kristian Flores, The Goodbye Song

“I realized that success in most things depends on finding people stupid enough to volunteer to try doing them but smart enough to have a chance of succeeding.”
― Jack Campbell, Ascendant

“...I could feel her burrowing into my heart. I didn't know if the burrowing was like a kitten cuddling up to its mother or if it was like a chigger depositing its larvae underneath the skin of my ankles.”
― Jason Porter, Why Are You So Sad?

“Întotdeauna e loc pentru mai rău şi tocmai de aceea nu trebuie să ne pierdem nădejdea.”
― Radu Aldulescu, Rezidenți în Casa Visurilor

“If we had no faults of our own, we should not take so much pleasure in noticing those in others.”
― Francois Duc De La Rochefoucauld 161

“To those who claim I lack respect for the human race — I will say that, after all, I removed the phrase ‘depressed neurotic monkeys’ from all the places in the book; and not just because I like and respect monkeys. What does that tell you?”
― Alexander Petrow, The Weather Forecast in Hell