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I have been told that Wagner's [Richard Wagner] music is better than it sounds.

[his definition of a "classic"] Something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

The English are mentioned in the Bible: "Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth".

As to the adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

All you need is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths.

No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest.

Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

Where prejudice exists it always discolors our thoughts.

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency.

Comedy keeps the heart sweet.

Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.

Whatever you say, say it with conviction.

I learned long ago never to say the obvious thing, but leave the obvious thing to commonplace and inexperienced people to say.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country, we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.

The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

I am not "an" American, I am "the" American.

I love to revel in philosophical matters--especially astronomy. I study astronomy more than any other foolishness there is.

When the world ends, I would like to be in Cincinnati, because it's always 20 years behind the times.

America is built on a tilt, so anything loose slides to California.

History doesn't always repeat itself. Sometimes it rhymes.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

October is one of those dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November and December.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of other persons.

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. France has usually been governed by prostitutes. Apart from these drawbacks, it is a fine country.

If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.