- Wooley - civil war incarnation: Where is the nearest recruiting office?
- His wife: Oh, running off to war like a coward.
- Wallace Wooley: I'm afraid you've got a hangover.
- Daniel: Don't tell me what I've got! I invented the hangover. It was in 1892... B.C.
- Jennifer: 'Twould be nice to have lips... lips to whisper lies... lips to kiss man and make him suffer. Father, why cannot I have lips, and eyes, and hair?
- Wallace Wooley: Now you listen to me, young lady. Come on. Get up.
- Jennifer: [she stands] I'm listening, Mr. Wooley.
- [he stares at her]
- Jennifer: Why do you look at me that way? Oh, my dress. Do you like it?
- Wallace Wooley: I-I don't know. It's such a shock to see you dressed. I mean... you're beautiful.
- Jennifer: Enough to make a man fall in love?
- Wallace Wooley: Mere physical beauty isn't everything.
- Jennifer: [disappointed] That's what I thought.
- Wallace Wooley: [clears his throat] Look here, Jennifer.
- Jennifer: I don't like the tone of your voice!
- Wallace Wooley: Well, I swallowed some smoke last night.
- Dr. Dudley White: Oh well, it's late, I've got to be getting into my straitjacket. I'll call a broom.
- First Prisoner: Hey, that's Wallace Wooley! Don't tell me they're tossing him in the clink.
- Second Prisoner: Looks that way. Well, pay off, brother. They're not electing no con for governor. Bensinger is a cinch.
- First Prisoner: [to Wooley] Ehh! Why wouldn't you keep straight until after you was elected like everybody else does!
- Daniel: Every man who marries, marries the wrong woman. True suffering cometh when a man is in love with the woman he cannot marry.
- Estelle Masterson: [as her father escorts her down the aisle at her wedding] Do I look alright?
- J.B. Masterson: Who cares? Go on!
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