- The Penguin: [while being bombarded by food] Why is there always someone who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?
- [crouched atop a dazed Batman]
- Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for.
- Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left.
- Batman: I tried to save you.
- Catwoman: Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
- Selina Kyle: A kiss under the mistletoe. You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- Bruce Wayne: But a kiss can be even deadlier... if you mean it.
- [silence as they realize each other's identities]
- Selina Kyle: Oh, my God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?
- Bruce Wayne: Let's go outside.
- [Shreck shoots Batman]
- Selina Kyle: You killed me... The Penguin killed me... Batman killed me... that's... three lives down. You got enough in there to finish me off?
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: One way to find out.
- [Shreck fires two shots at Catwoman]
- Selina Kyle: Four... Five...
- [cracks her whip]
- Selina Kyle: Still alive!
- [Shreck fires two more]
- Selina Kyle: Six... Seven... All good girls go to heaven...
- [now within reach of Shreck; he pulls the trigger, but there are no bullets left; she laughs hysterically]
- Selina Kyle: Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime, how about a kiss, Santy Claus?
- [grabs ahold of a power cable and moves towards Shreck with a stun gun and a kiss]
- Batman: What do you want?
- The Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.
- [laughs, then turns serious]
- The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
- Batman: Things change.
- [Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]
- Catwoman: Meow.
- [a store explodes, she slips off]
- The Penguin: I saw her first... gotta fly!
- [addressing a huge flock of penguins]
- The Penguin: My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish *all* God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd *and* 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun!
- [the Penguin creeps up behind Batman and grabs a trick umbrella - only to find it weaponless]
- The Penguin: Ah, shit... I picked a cute one.
- [hurls away the umbrella]
- The Penguin: The heat's getting to me. I'll murder you momentarily. But first, I need a cold drink of ice water.
- [he keels over on the edge of the bank. Six emperor penguins waddle up to the him and slide his body into the water]
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Selina! Selina Kyle, you're fired! And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?
- Catwoman: Because he *is* Batman, you moron!
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Was.
- [shoots Batman]
- [Shreck sees the Penguin]
- The Penguin: Hi.
- [Shreck opens his mouth several times, but nothing comes out]
- The Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is... "Aaahh"!
- Security #2: Don't hurt us, lady. Our take-home's less than three-hundred.
- Catwoman: You're overpaid. Hit the road.
- Selina Kyle: [Selina walks Bruce to the elevator] You don't seem like the type who does business with Mr. Shreck.
- Bruce Wayne: No, you don't seem like the type that takes orders from him.
- Selina Kyle: Well, that's a... long story.
- Bruce Wayne: You know, I could... free up some time.
- [Bruce walks in elevator]
- Selina Kyle: I'm listed.
- Bruce Wayne: I'm tempted.
- Selina Kyle: I'm working.
- Bruce Wayne: [Elevator doors close] I'm leaving!
- Bruce Wayne: Here's what I want you to do... tell Selina - tell Miss Kyle in there - tell her, uh, tell her I had to go out of town, a big business deal came up or some... no, you know what? Tell her, you know, not in some dumb, "be my girlfriend" kind of way...
- Alfred: I will relay the message.
- Bruce Wayne: Great.
- [runs out]
- Alfred: Miss Kyle...
- Selina Kyle: Alfred, hi!
- Alfred: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you...
- Selina Kyle: Mr. Wayne? Oh, Bruce. Yes. Um, would you tell him for me that, uh, I've been going through a lot of changes, and... no. Um, just that this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving. In fact, he makes me feel the way I hope I really am... no! Could you just make up a sonnet or something? A dirty limerick?
- Alfred: One has just sprung to mind.
- Selina Kyle: Thanks!
- [runs out]
- Alfred: Let's not forget about repairing the Batmobile. There's certain security to consider. It's not as though we can take it to any old "Joe's bodyshop," is it, sir?
- Bruce Wayne: Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working and I turn around, there she is. "Oh hi, Vick - come on in."
- Selina Kyle: It's gonna be a hot time on the cold town tonight.
- Bruce Wayne: You-you've got kind of a - kind of a dark side, don't you?
- Selina Kyle: No darker than yours, Bruce.
- Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.
- The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...
- [begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on]
- The Penguin: naked sexual charisma.
- Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.
- The Penguin: Ointment!
- [jumps up and picks up two bottles]
- The Penguin: Scented or unscented?
- Catwoman: I'll come back later.
- Selina Kyle: It's the so-called "normal" guys who always let you down. Sickos never scare me. Least they're committed.
- Selina Kyle: Wow, *the* Batman - or is it just "Batman"? Uh, your choice, of course!
- [Batman walks away]
- Selina Kyle: Well, that was very brief. Just like all the men in my life.
- Josh: Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?
- [he chuckles and the Penguin joins in]
- The Penguin: Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.
- [they both laugh again]
- Josh: Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...
- [the Penguin bites Josh's nose]
- The Penguin: I could really get into this mayor stuff. It's not about power, it's about reaching out to people - touching people - groping people!
- Fat Clown: Penguin... I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little, uh...
- [Penguin grabs an umbrella and shoots Henchman dead]
- The Penguin: No! It's a lot "uh"!
- [Kicks Henchman into the water]
- Bruce Wayne: The point is, Max, Gotham City has a power surplus. I'm sure you know that. My question is: what's your angle?
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning.
- Bruce Wayne: Yeah, well... I'm gonna fight you on this. And I've already spoken to the mayor and we see eye to eye, so...
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Mayors come and go. Blue bloods tire easy. You think you can go fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck?
- Bruce Wayne: Well, I guess we're gonna find out. Course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so it might...
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Crime boss? Shows what you know, Mr. to-the-manor-born-with-a-silver-spoon. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy. If his parents hadn't eighty-sixed him, you two might've been bunkies at prep school!
- [the Circus Gang passes Penguin a large Christmas stocking labeled "Max." He reaches in and takes out a large thermos]
- The Penguin: A batch of toxic waste from your "clean" textile plant.
- [pours it into a dish]
- The Penguin: There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back.
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: That could have come from anywhere.
- The Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
- The Penguin: Ah, good idea!
- [he reaches into the stocking and pulls out a sheaf of documents]
- The Penguin: A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: [starting to lose his composure] Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's-he's good.
- The Penguin: Good?
- [Penguin takes out a severed hand]
- The Penguin: [imitating a ventriloquist] Hiya, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any of the other body parts? Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
- The Penguin: [hooking Catwoman onto his trick umbrella, which launches into the air] Goodbye, my unintended; go to Heaven.
- Bruce Wayne: [working on the Batcomputer. Alfred sets down a bowl of soup in front of him. He picks up the spoon and takes a sip, only to spit it out] Cold!
- Alfred: It's vichyssoise.
- Bruce Wayne: [stares, not knowing why it's important]
- Alfred: It's *supposed* to be cold.
- [last lines]
- Alfred: Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mister Wayne.
- Bruce Wayne: Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men... and women.
- [the Ice Princess mistakes the batarang for a camera]
- The Penguin: Say cheese!
- Ice Princess: Cheese!
- [he throws it at her]
- Selina Kyle: Okay, go ahead. Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me.
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Actually, it's a lot like that.
- Volunteer Bimbo: You are the coolest role-model a young person could have!
- The Penguin: And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have.
- The Penguin: You're just jealous, because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
- Batman: You might be right.
- The Penguin: [driving the Batmobile] Maybe this is a bad time to mention this, but my license has expired!
- The Penguin: You're coming with me, ya great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead.
- The Penguin: I don't, so no.
- Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I'm the one you want. Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you wanna see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
- The Penguin: [thinks] Okay, you got a point. I'll let the little prince live.
- The Penguin: [to his penguins] My babies. Did you miss me?
- [he gets out of his wooden duck]
- The Penguin: Did you miss me?
- Henchman: Great speech, Oswald.
- [Penguin hits him]
- The Penguin: [shouting] My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin! I am not a human being. I am an animal! Cold-blooded!
- [the Organ Grinder's monkey approachs]
- The Penguin: So where are all the children?
- [the monkey hands him a note with a bat symbol on it]
- The Penguin: "Dear Penguin. The children regret they are unable to attend - Batman."
- [the Penguin screams]