- Ambrose Bierce: My singular critique of the Good Book is that its covers are too far apart.
- Mary Newlie: Excuse me?
- Ambrose Bierce: I am of the opinion that the, uh, Bible is perhaps, the greatest assemblage of lies and untruths ever gathered together, with the possible exception of the Congressional record.
- Mary Newlie: Are you an atheist, sir?
- Ambrose Bierce: Yes, ma'am. Thanks to your God, I am an athiest.
- Mary Newlie: Then there is no hope for your soul on the final day. When Gabriel blows his horn, your ears will be deaf to the resounding tone of its glory, Mr. Bierce.
- Ambrose Bierce: Oh no. On the contrary, when Gabriel blows his horn, I shall be playing the tuba.
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- Bartender: Senor, a lot of white folks go missing in these parts. Can I ask your name in case someone come looking?
- Ambrose Bierce: Bierce. Ambrose Bierce. And no one will come looking.
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- Ambrose Bierce: They say when a man drinks, he develops certain... powers.
- John Newlie: What kind of powers?
- Ambrose Bierce: Clairvoyance. Second sight.
- John Newlie: My wife is right, Mr. Bierce. You ought to take better care of yourself.
- Ambrose Bierce: This is a preservative, and I'm pickling myself for your great... beyond.
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- The Hangman: You killed your mother and father? Why?
- Catherine Reece: They were starvin', there was no food, so I sent 'em to a better place.
- The Hangman: What about your aunt, your uncle, and all your cousins?
- Catherine Reece: I never liked them.
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- Johnny Madrid: Do you feel like a horse's ass, huh? 'Cause that's what you look like! The horse's ass pendeja!
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- Catherine Reece: I weren't gonna steal it or nothin'. I just wanted to see it up close.
- Ambrose Bierce: Is this close enough?
- Catherine Reece: Yes, sir.
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- Esmeralda: What kind of work?
- Johnny Madrid: The kind of work girls do.
- Esmeralda: I don't think I'm that kind of girl.
- Johnny Madrid: Sooner or later all girls are that kind of girl.
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- John Newlie: Water, then?
- Razor Charlie: Tequila!
- Ambrose Bierce: That's my cue. Two bottles of your very finest. Thank you. Milk, indeed.
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