- Hugh Dennis: Viewers of a nervous disposition may be interested to know that your television is off and I am speaking to you from inside your head...
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- Frankie Boyle: Our only hope is that the enemy kills so many of us that they become slightly depressed.
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- Frankie Boyle: I would have loved to have a gay dad. Do you remember at school, there were always kids saying "My dad's bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!" "So what? My dad will shag your dad. And your dad will enjoy it."
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- Frankie Boyle: Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
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- Frankie Boyle: [If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] What is Stephen Hawking's personal best for the London marathon?
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- Hugh Dennis: [In scenes we'd like to see: what a television announcer is unlikely to say] If you've been affected by the issues raised in Balamory...
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- Frankie Boyle: [In scenes we'd like to see: what a television announcer is unlikely to say] The following episode of Songs of Praise contains strong language and scenes of a sexual nature.
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- Frankie Boyle: I've just completed my life's ambition of climbing Everest with no equipment. NOW DO YOU LOVE ME, DADDY?
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- Milton Jones: Easiest job in the World, Australian Psychiatrist: "G'day, g'day, how ya doin'? No worries, seeya!"
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- Milton Jones: Have you noticed that if you Google "Lost Medieval Servant Boy", it says "This Page cannot be found"?
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- Sue Perkins: [Unlikely things to hear at the Oscars] They said we couldn't make 'The Sally Gunnel Story' but here we are.
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- Frankie Boyle: Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!
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- Frankie Boyle: [If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long is a Scottish winter?
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- Frankie Boyle: The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
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- Hugh Dennis: [Unlikely things to be said in programme indents] You may be interested to know that I'm completely naked and playing with myself.
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- Team Captain: [Unlikely things for a news reporter to say; as Trevor MacDonald] Welcome to ITV News... ON ICE!
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- Hugh Dennis: [Unlikely things to be said during a programme indent] If you were affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's episode of Balamory...
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- Team Captain: [Celebrity Dating Videos; as Nelson Mandela] Ah! Hello! I'm an ex-politician and human rights activist. And I'm looking for a strong African woman. I'm over eighty, I look like a pint of Guinness, but wait till you see Nelson's Column!
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- Milton Jones: I live in a Grade 2 listed Building, which means everyone has to be quite good at the piano. In China apparently everyone learning the piano knows this tune called Knife and Fork...
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- Milton Jones: In 1724 Sir Tim Montague had the idea for the Post-It note, but he didn't have anywhere to write it down.
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- Milton Jones: My other grandfather had a little silver plaque on his forehead with the date of when a Park Bench died on it.
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- Milton Jones: After years of alcoholism the little girl emigrated. And that was the tale of Alice in Sunderland.
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- Milton Jones: You're arresting me for playing Chess in the road? It's because I'm Black, isn't it!
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- Milton Jones: Anyone can cook this! You can't Beatrice! Sorry, You can't Beat Rice!
- Ed Byrne: Ha! Shall we all go home?
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- Team Captain: [If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] On average, how long does the NHS take to give pregnant women a bed in maternity?
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- Hugh Dennis: [If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long does it take Abu Hamza to tie his shoelace?
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- Hugh Dennis: [the panel are asked what to do about bird flu. Hugh is a Tory MP; Rory is the Duke of Edinburgh] Well, personally I think we ought to do away with all birds, including swans.
- Team Captain: They belong to my wife, you bastard!
- Hugh Dennis: Oh, yeah. I've shagged your wife, as well.
- Team Captain: You lucky devil! I haven't had sex with her for nearly sixty years!
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- Presenter: [In the out-takes show. The people in his earpiece keep telling him to get on with the show] They're even shouting at this bit! 'Stop doing that bit where you mock us for shouting in your ear'!
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- Team Captain: [Rory is Tony Blair giving a speech; Hugh is translating] As Prime Minister, it is my duty to protect the people of this nation.
- Hugh Dennis: Whoops!
- Team Captain: Many nights I've lain awake, gazing into the abyss...
- Hugh Dennis: I wish Cherie would sleep with her mouth closed.
- Team Captain: I know that a lot of people have been wondering when I'm going to retire...
- Hugh Dennis: I know Gordon has been wondering when I'm going to retire...
- Team Captain: I'm sure that one day, Gordon will make a great leader...
- Hugh Dennis: ...of the Opposition...
- Team Captain: But I'm not a king-maker. There will be a proper procedure for deciding the leader who follows me.
- Hugh Dennis: Whomsoever pulls the sword from the stone! He shall be the one!
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- John Oliver: [Unlikely things to be said in programme indents] You're watching ITV1... Why are you doing that? I've got the listings here and... we've got nothing!
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- Milton Jones: My favourite film is the French film "And". Or "ET" when it was released over here.
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- Al Murray: [Things not to say if wanting to be President] I will govern this Country, not just for the metropolitan Coastal States, but for all you Cousin Shaggers down South too!
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- John Oliver: This Cinematic Remake of Swan Lake was so powerful that it broke a man's arm...
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- Milton Jones: I'd like to take the band ABBA out to dinner, and if I could I would my friend, for Nandos.
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- Milton Jones: [Alien Ears Gesture] Ambassador Thrull, are you seriously telling me that War has broken out because you were going to the shops and someone said "Get me a Galaxy"?
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- Milton Jones: My last girlfriend left me at the Altar. Not into Animal Sacrifice, apparently...
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