- Frank Reynolds: [overheard by children and their parents on a mic system] I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies? I imagine stuff like that goes on all the time. I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead you could bang me all you want. I mean, who cares? A dead body is like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want. Fill me up with cream, make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead! Oh shit! Is my mic on?
- Frank Reynolds: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
- Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!
- Frank Reynolds: [introducing himself to a group of parents who have gathered at Paddy's Pub to enter their children in a pageant] I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing. I met that guy in a titty bar!
- Dee Reynolds: I bet you wish you could win this pageant, don't you?
- Justine: My mom says I'm not pretty enough.
- Dee Reynolds: Your mom doesn't know dick! She's a dumb fat cow. And your sister, she is a stupid little shit-mouth bitch, isn't she?
- Justine: You just said a lot of bad words.
- Mort: Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
- Frank Reynolds: Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
- [Mac and Charlie raise their hands]
- Dennis Reynolds: Okay...
- Charlie Kelly: Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
- Dee Reynolds: [raises hand] I have a...
- Charlie Kelly: Who's that?
- Frank Reynolds: He's the mortician. I invited him.
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