Peter Mandelson has started as he means to go on in Washington

There’s a certain regal, or perhaps vice-regal, quality to the promotional video released by Peter Mandelson to introduce himself as the British ambassador to what, uncomfortably or not, will surely be an indifferent American public.

That’s because, as anyone who’s spent as much time as Mandelson claims to have spent in the States – and Mandelson gives the vague (and inaccurate) impression that it is a lotta time – will know that the transatlantic special relationship is a very asymmetrical thing. We, the British, spend a lot more time thinking about them than they do thinking about us.

In what should probably be titled “A humble address to the people of the United States”, Mandelson, in his three-minute clip, actually tells his new audience: “I am speaking to you from the British ambassador’s residence...”, as an envoy of His Majesty the King. It is as if all that business in 1776 had never happened.

A shot of his lordly robes will probably bemuse, more than repel, his new hosts. Mandelson thinks that the UK is a big deal (and thus, by extension, so is he): trillions invested, a million British people working for American firms, a million Americans working for British firms – and, he should have added, Mandelson, as ever, working for himself.

Nowhere in the little online film is there the slightest sense that he is anything other than overly pleased with himself and his palatial residence. America should be grateful, is the unspoken assumption.

Touchingly, we see an extremely rare glimpse of his partner of 28 years, Reinaldo, who will now be his co-host in DC. It’s just as well that one of Donald Trump’s few redeeming features is that he’s apparently pretty cool about gay guys, up to and including the Village People anthem “YMCA”. I’d imagine that Mandelson, an accomplished mover on the dance floor, is perfecting his weird Trump dance as we speak.

When he was working for Labour, Mandelson spent decades trying to sell the party and its leaders to a sometimes sceptical British public. He had some success, including a wonderful party political broadcast directed by Hugh Hudson (Chariots of Fire) dubbed “Kinnock: the Movie”, which was so successful in the 1987 election campaign that it had to be repeated. Now, we have “Mandelson: the Movie”.

It’s almost as if Mandelson is running for office. He conscientiously ticks off the Irish vote and the Jewish vote with references to his role in the peace process and his family background. His time as a lobbyist – an ugly word for an ugly business – is gilded as Maga-friendly “entrepreneurship”. His undoubted experience “at the top of government” is referenced by images of him going into No 10.

Nowhere is there the slightest sign of the years he spent as the trade commissioner of the European Union, one of Trump’s pet hates; nor do we hear the words “Labour Party”, or learn of his admiration for Bill Clinton, or the close Labour-Democrat alliance forged during the “Third Way” war. You'd never imagine Blair had sacked him twice in disgrace.

There’s a brief shot of George W Bush with Queen Elizabeth, into which I half-expected Mandelson to have photoshopped himself – but as far as history goes, that’s it.

It would be entirely tasteless and unhelpful to mention Mandelson’s brief teenage flirtation with what Trump might call hardline radical Marxism, when the young social democrat joined the Young Communist League (and actually lost his taste for Leninist democratic centralism). Trump and Mandelson’s former mutual friend, Jeffrey Epstein, probably won’t pop up in conversation either.

Mandelson says he’s looking forward to the challenges, but I’m not convinced that even he, smart, shrewd and feline as he is, can cope with Trump. I’ve no doubt he’ll use all his skills as a courtier to ingratiate himself with Melania, White House chief of staff Susan Wiles, vice-president JD Vance, the wider Trump family, Elon Musk (tricky...), congressional leaders and any other key figure. But what will they make of him?

Mandelson knows what’s expected. He’s abased himself in almost biblical fashion with a public apology for insulting Trump in the past, and now prefers to describe the 47th president as “consequential”; a new diplomatic euphemism for “disaster” is born.

This is what Trump appreciates: Marco Rubio and Vance were also forgiven their past impertinences after kissing the Trump ring.

Right now, our man on Massachusetts Avenue looks very pleased with himself indeed – which is fair enough. But it’s going to be a painful, occasionally humiliating, and stressful few years. If he lasts that long.