🦟Who Are Your Parasites? And What to Do About It

Lately, I have been writing more about the economy and what organizations can do to be more resilient in what looks more and more like the next recession, courtesy of the Trump Administration. If you are interested in topics such as Dodging Tariffs, Boosting the National Economy (1 & 2), Business Transformation During Uncertainty, and Lobbying, you will enjoy these reads.

Despite my acute interest in all things business, government affairs, and the economy, I am still living in the real world, which leads me to interact with real people. As frustrating (infuriating?) as these interactions might be, they are always a great opportunity to see where I stand in life. What do I attract (and I am not referring to the law of attraction, but rather the behaviors people seem to be comfortable displaying around me)? What do I repel?

Why is this important? Because these people/interactions/events/situations drain our energy (or if you are lucky boost them).

And if you are not mindful, soon you will be depleted with nothing to show for it but a mix of parasites living off you. Nowadays, burnout is rampant, and what is burnout? Low/no energy.

When coaching my clients (mostly founders/CEOs), what comes up the most is interpersonal relationships—at work, at home, and in life. When working with my own coaches/practitioners, I always have my list of what triggered me since our last interaction. And there is always a nugget.

“Being triggered” now has political and generational connotations, but in reality, being triggered is a gift. It shows you where you should spend some time exploring. Why are these particular people and situations frustrating you (or enraging you), while others might not even be fazed by them (or won’t even notice)? Why is it happening to you, AGAIN?

So what does it mean for you? Unless you are the Dalai Lama, Byron Katie, or Eckhart Tolle (and I don’t believe they are reading this newsletter—their loss!), you are triggered (please feel free to replace the word triggered with angry, frustrated, resentful, jealous, powerless, have murder-like ideas, and so on) multiple times a day. And this drains your energy!

Now you can make the choice to look at these events with curiosity, compassion, and playfulness (if you are an advanced player—I have to say that I have to make a huge effort to feel playful, which by definition means I am not) to understand what is under that. Or you can continue to be unconscious, triggered, angry, exhausted and think others are the problem. I opted for door 1 not because I am some type of martyr with a superior level of consciousness but because I was tired of having my energy drained and being powerless in front of events I could not control. No, my neighbors’ kids will never say hello, that is a fact. I can fume every time I see them, or I can explore the reasons for my anger and understand that I am strongly reacting to them because, as a kid, I was raised so authoritatively that I feel great anger (rage is more appropriate) for anyone who has the opportunity to act like a brat when I had to be an empty, smiling doll.

Below are some of the situations where I see strong reactions from myself and others. Maybe (probably ;)) you will recognize yourself in some of them (all of them?), and it will lead you to question your reactions and also why some of these people are even in your life.

I want to be clear that these behaviors are not acceptable. You want to use them to gain more peace and serenity by being less reactive to them, AND recurring offenders should also be cut off (if you can) or at least greywalled (limit quantity and quality of interactions). The goal is not to learn how to smile when being disrespected or having our boundaries crossed, but to learn why this is happening and how to minimize instances. So in a nutshell: spot them early, be ruthless, and also grow from there.

These situations happen at work, at home, in life, and I am sure you will think about your own variations. ;) Happy Reading!

🤝Unrequested Introductions

This is something that used to trigger me a lot and that I see some of my clients being triggered by as well. You are minding your own business, and suddenly an email pops up, usually from a loose professional contact, introducing you to someone without having first asked for your authorization to do so. You get frustrated, resentful, in a word—aggravated. You already don’t have the time to do what you have to do and see who you want to see, and now you have been connected to a rando based on the fact that both of you love chocolate (or happen to be women in business—such a rare occurrence!). Now you are fuming: what should you do?! Should you ignore the email? But then what will be the consequences? People will think you are rude, or that you have a high opinion of yourself, or worse, that you are not on top of your game. After spending a tremendous amount of energy weighing the pros and cons, ruminating, you end up sending a nice email saying you will be delighted to have a discussion while berating yourself, the “connector,” and the new contact, who in some cases never asked for anything either.

👉So what went wrong? Obviously, being introduced to someone without having given your permission first is a big no-no (if you do that, stop now!). It happened to me again this morning. Between the back-and-forth emails and the time I will spend with this person (who might be lovely), it will have cost me between 90 minutes to 2 hours and mental energy. Am I happy to have allocated my resources there? I don’t know yet—I will tell you in a week when I have spoken to this person. Was I triggered? Not at all. Why? Because I used to be extremely triggered by situations like that in the past, and after exploring the why behind it (with more rage than playfulness, let’s be honest), I realized that my anger was coming from 1) having my boundaries crossed (which they were—it is impolite to put anyone in this situation) and, more importantly, 2) feeling powerless. In my mind, I HAD to answer, I HAD to jump. Someone is asking me for something—who am I to say no?! Again, my extremely authoritative upbringing (combined with the expectation that I was there only to manage others’ emotional needs) had put me in this extremely challenging place: I could never say no, even if the request was crossing my boundaries. When I understood that I was just reliving the hundreds of times when I had to abandon myself to please others, I saw the light. I was not the kid who had to stay still and jump only when asked to do so anymore. I had many options: 1) I could contact the person and tell them not to introduce me to anyone without my agreement, 2) I could write back that I didn’t have the time, 3) I could just never answer, 4) I could check the background of the person and decide if I wanted to meet them, etc. So the powerlessness aspect of the situation was addressed. Then I also realized that I was an adult now and that I would deal with the consequences. If people thought I was rude for pushing back, so be it. If I were to miss the intro of the century, so be it. So now, when I receive this type of intro, I really don’t care, as I can choose what to do with it. I still take a mental note of who the thoughtless introducer was and what was likely their intention behind it.

🫵So what can you do? Next time you are in this situation, don’t berate yourself for feeling out of sorts, and don’t bury your feelings either. Use that “opportunity” to fully feel the rage, the powerlessness, the frustration—whatever you are feeling (no need to express them onto others ;)). A good trick is to take a few minutes to write down all your thoughts on a piece of paper and then shred it (you can burn it if you are a responsible adult). Just that act will calm you down. Of course, tapping is a great tool when you feel this surge of emotions. It will really help you remove the emotional charge. And explore: why are you so reactive to something quite benign? 100% probability that it is a repeat of a childhood occurrence you had to deal with.

Another variation of the unrequested introduction email is the power play around who is sending the Zoom link. I have seen people (not me, of course) totally spiraling down when asked to send an invitation/meeting link. Again, it is not about the video link—it is never about what is just in front of us. It is about boundaries being crossed (or at least the perception that they are being crossed) and the (once again perceived) powerlessness about it. Once we are able to see situations for what they really are, we are able to neutralize them and remove the emotional charge.

I will add once again that in order to be able to actually see what is going on, one needs to be able to take a step back. When you are in fight, flight, or freeze mode, you are just reacting. There is no space for you to do the work mentioned above—you are just the dog salivating at the sound of the bell. A very helpful tool to get out of that state and create space is microdosing mushrooms (psychedelics or not). I know I wrote it many times; nonetheless, most people don’t give themselves this grace. They try to white-knuckle their way out of the situation. Or worse, they leverage prescribed drugs for years, which numb their reactions without even looking at the root causes of the problem. You want to be more present, more in the moment—not numb. For sure, being numb will make you less reactive, but it will also dampen your joy. And if you still do not know where to find quality microdosing products, visit my website.

🎁Ms. & Mister Entitled

The word entitlement always creates a lot of excitement when uttered. Usually, in the speaker’s mind, it relates to a specific generation, gender, social class, or skin color—never theirs, of course! I have news for you: based on my highly non-statistically significant analysis but highly relevant observations, entitled people belong to every age group, social class, gender, and race. No exception!

I had a recent encounter—or should I say, my last notable encounter, as I have frequent ones—that was quite a solid example. Someone from a loosely connected circle, whom I had never met, reached out for a chat. I accepted and then kind of regretted it, as I suspected a bait-and-switch (more on bait-and-switch here). Before the call, I followed some of my own recommendations (tapping, scribbling, and then shredding) to release my emotional charge. The last thing you want is to start an interaction on the defensive (or offensive)—it’s the perfect recipe to make sure your fears/doubts materialize.

Surprisingly, the call was very pleasant. I was not asked for any favors (surprise!), and I was even asked to talk about my own projects (bigger surprise!). As the conversation progressed, I offered to amplify this person’s message on my socials and invite her to my podcast to talk about her new venture. We ended the call after I had, might I add, shared tons of valuable info for her business and agreed that I would share her last post on LinkedIn and send her dates for recording the podcast. A couple of hours later, I had done both and was expecting (dumbwittedly, I admit now) a thank you. She dared to “like” the share of her post announcing her new business (no comment, no thank you), and that was that. Then, two weeks later, she sent me a message as if we had spoken the day before, confirming a date to record the podcast. I have to say, I was baffled. But was I triggered? Not at all, Dear Reader, I was not!

Why was I not triggered? Because this is not my first rodeo, and I have done the work to neutralize these situations!

👉What could have gone wrong? And what did go wrong in the past? This was obviously not the first time someone expected my support without even bothering to say thank you (or OMG—reciprocate!). I had my share of contacts (and, I guess, what I called friends when I didn’t know better) who used to come back from the dead when convenient for them (aka they needed something), before ghosting me once again after I had served my purpose. And the worst part? Every time, I was picking up the phone, returning the text, and meeting them (at a convenient place and time for them, obviously).

Reading this, you are probably thinking, "Is she totally dumb?" No, I am not. But once again, I was playing my usual part in the script I had internalized decades before: work hard for attention and appreciation, and maybe—if you’re lucky—you’ll get a crumb sometimes. BTW, this unpredictability tactic called the Chronic Mild Stress model is an extremely successful one (if you are wicked, that is) because keeping people off-balance by blowing hot and cold has been proven neurologically to keep them in a state of dependency. This is a tool of choice for narcissists and manipulators.

🫵So do you see yourself in these stories about entitled people treating you poorly? Maybe you do, maybe you don’t (look again if you don’t!). One thing is certain: you always need two to tango. For someone to be disrespectful again, it means someone else has to open the door for that behavior to happen again. The tendency when that happens would be to berate yourself, but as mentioned before—don’t. You are witnessing patterns that are as old as you. You might be stuck in some old co-dependency dynamic—better to be with people who don’t really care about you or don’t treat you properly than to be alone. Or the good old self-gaslighting: "They don’t do that on purpose. They do that to everyone. I shouldn’t be so sensitive."

Whatever it is, take the time to explore and have compassion for yourself and the young kid who was manipulated and coerced into accepting less-than-stellar behaviors, probably being made to believe that’s all they deserved.

And if you are wondering how I manage these types of situations now, I will share in one word: Delete.

💩Ms. & Mister Disrespectful

Miss & Mister Disrespectful is a variation of Miss & Mister Entitled. It can look very similar, but the intention behind it is quite different.

Another example from this morning: my husband and I had a call booked (and prepaid) at 9 a.m. with a lawyer. At 8:45 a.m., the lawyer’s admin sent us an email to reschedule. We didn’t see it and logged in at 9 a.m., but a lingering thought made me check my emails, and I saw the cancellation. As I was replying, I received a message directly from the lawyer telling me that she was at the emergency room with her “little one.”

I don’t know about you, but the number of times I’ve been canceled on at the last minute for “a little one being sick” is pretty astonishing—and oddly enough, it’s always right at the time we’re supposed to talk. If one is at the hospital at 8:45 a.m., it means that the kid was already sick an hour before, if not more, meaning that’s when the reschedule should have happened. I remember a “friend” canceling on me at 5 p.m. due to a headache (terrible, I assume) while we were supposed to meet at 5 p.m.—so she was only realizing she had this debilitating headache when she was already supposed to be there? I also had someone cancel one hour after we were supposed to meet—once again, “a little one at the emergency room.” Meaning she was obviously not on her way to meet me two hours before, as she should have been to be on time.

The difference between disrespectful and entitled is the belief behind their actions. The disrespectful lie through their teeth to get what they want or to get out of a situation they don’t want to be in. The entitled, on the other hand, likely won’t even bother to lie—too self-centered to make the effort. The same person can be both entitled and disrespectful (we have a winner!); it depends on the strategy of the day. Do they feel guilty enough for dropping you like a bag of shit? If the answer is yes, you will be lied to. If the answer is no, you will be ghosted.

This morning again (really quite a day, and it’s not even 1 p.m.), I received another interesting email: “Hi Peggy. I sent a reply previously but haven’t heard back.” First, anyone who actually replies to an email and doesn’t get an answer would not start an email with that phrase—they would expect you to have received it, so the precision is unnecessary. It’s only needed if you never actually sent the email and want to pretend you did. Second, this is the second time this exact person has claimed to have sent me an email that I never received. She should really move to carrier pigeons—seems more reliable.

👉What went wrong? Nothing! Did all of this crap bring me over the edge with thoughts like “people are so disrespectful,” “what a bunch of a-holes,” etc.? Absolutely not. The microdosing helps, obviously, but also, I can see through it 100%. And my answer is the same as for Miss & Mister Entitled: Delete. (Well, except for the prepaid consultation—I did reschedule that!).

🫵If you’re already boiling, remembering the lies, last-minute cancellations under false pretexts, and so on, that’s fine. Boil! And then process it. So next time it happens, you’re not a hot mess. You’ll just notice, shrug, maybe smile (wryly), and delete!

And if you want to check out more on how to become more empowered in disempowering situations, take a look at my online course, my book, and my microdosing products. They’re for you, not for me—I already know how to deal with this stuff!

Before we move on to the next category, the vampire (woo-hoo!), I want to share some additional thoughts on this topic of parasites.

🕸️First, how you do anything is how you do everything. Meaning, the boundary-crossers will not suddenly become respectful. In fact, the more second (third, fourth…) chances you give, the more you excuse/justify their behaviors in their eyes. Visibly, you don’t mind being taken advantage of. Bottom line: when someone is disrespectful, this is a pattern—you are better off cutting ties as fast as you can before too much is invested. And if you can’t totally remove this person from your life, greywall them.

🚧Second, why do we end up in these situations? We’re told we need to network and that people are the keys to our success (whether it’s access to a new great job, a tennis club, or a daycare). It’s true, somehow—but cultivating people solely for potential future benefits opens the door to these types of behaviors. We are social animals—we can smell ulterior motives even if we don’t always want to believe our intuition. Someone sensing that you are cultivating them might feel more comfortable crossing your boundaries as a payback (consciously or not). I’m absolutely not saying that the parasites I mentioned earlier were necessarily people you were initially cultivating (very often, it’s the other way around, actually), but it is helpful to take a hard look at why some people are in your life and what your motivations are.

😱Which brings me to my third point: fear/powerlessness. We stay acquainted (or more) with people we don’t really like and who cross our boundaries mostly because we think we have to. As mentioned above, it can be due to fear of being alone, fear of repercussions (being badmouthed, for example), or the programming we received as kids (learned powerlessness). It’s important to dig deep to understand what’s behind our motivation to stay in these patterns. Not to blame yourself, but to uninstall the faulty programs and upgrade the software!

🧛‍♀️The Vampire

The vampire is in a category of its own—you can think of it as parasites on steroids. This is a favorite of mine. I have to say that I have been a first-rate feed for decades, so I am particularly fond of lifting the veil on these individuals. Vampires can look harmless, fun, and everything in between. They don’t walk around with a banner saying, “I am going to suck your life force and resources if you engage with me.” With time, I learned to smell them and how to deal with them. The trick is to cut the cord (or rather, the feeding tube) before it even has the time to get installed.

Of all the parasites, vampires are the most powerful. They are tricky and tricksters—they want to take the best of you to fill their own bottomless void. So what is a vampire exactly? It is someone who thrives on others’ energy. I am sure you’ve had experiences where you left someone or a situation feeling exhausted, literally empty, with a good twist of feeling shitty about yourself. Well, you’ve just encountered a vampire.

It might be:

• Your colleague who, under the appearance of benevolence, slowly ruins your motivation and aspirations.

• Your neighbor who traps you for 20 minutes every time they see you to talk about their foot problems.

• The childhood friend who rants about the cost of living, her mother, her foot problems.

• The brother who sandwiches a nasty remark between two innocuous ones (like his foot problems, for example).

• The mother who uses you when she needs something and forgets about you the second she finds a better and easier supply.

A vampire is akin to death by 10,000 cuts. They don’t want you to hemorrhage right away—no, they need you for the long run. It is a constant transfusion of your energy, your life force, your resources, to them. So they keep you close, keep you off-balance, and they are masters of gaslighting.

It is very difficult to:

1. Recognize a vampire.

2. Get rid of them.

They are masters of deception and manipulation. If they sense you are having doubts about their intentions, they will double down on their kindness just enough to neutralize your suspicions. They will turn it onto you, making you believe that you are the problem.

While your run-of-the-mill parasites will waste your time, energy, and sometimes money, vampires want to destroy your self-confidence and suck your energy to keep you as a permanent walking transfusion. You can’t see clearly anymore, and anyway, you don’t have the physical, emotional, mental, or energetic resources to leave.

As I mentioned, the goal is to spot the vampire as fast as you can and run in the other direction.

For that, you will have to do some exploration in your life: Who were/are the vampires in your life? How do they behave?

Educate yourself on common red flags. Once you have a better understanding of their patterns, now is the time for action. Cutting off a vampire is not easy, especially if you have provided them with quality resources (attention, encouragement, access, emotional support…). They do not want to see you leave!

The challenge, too, is that you have probably opened your kimono a bit too wide, and leaving would mean repercussions. The best and most diplomatic way to get rid of a vampire is to be boring (aka greywalling). When they try to drag you into heated gossip, emotional drama, or personal crisis, act vacant—or worse, talk about yourself. Suddenly, you become way less valuable to them.

If they leave your presence without feeling reenergized, you are now a waste of their time. It is not an easy trick to implement, especially if you have long-term vampires in your life. However, this will be the most painless way. Cutting them off will create a lot of turmoil (catnip for a vampire), and it might end up costing you a lot.

Now that you have a modus operandi, be ruthless. Vampires have only one interest in mind: their own. Contrary to what they want you to believe (and what you might want to believe, too), they could not care less about you.

This realization is obviously heartbreaking, especially when we are referring to family members or long-time friends. So start with self-compassion.

👋Parting Words

If you are feeling like your energy, time, and resources are disappearing, and you have nothing to show for it, you are likely being parasitized and/or vampirized.

This guide will help you cut the feeding tubes and reallocate your resources to your own projects.

One last word: Every time you strengthen your muscle of “don’t care, delete, move on,” these situations have less and less hold on you. But you have to do the work of witnessing, assessing, and neutralizing them first.

Good Luck!

Peggy Van de Plassche is a seasoned advisor with over 20 years of experience in financial services, healthcare, and technology. She specializes in guiding boards and C-suite executives through transformational change, leveraging technology and capital allocation to drive growth and innovation. A founding board member of Invest in Canada, Peggy also brings unique expertise in navigating complex issues and fostering public-private partnerships—key elements in shaping the Future of Business. Her skill set includes strategic leadership, capital allocation, transaction advisory, technology integration, and governance. Notable clients include BMO, CI Financial, HOOPP, OMERS, GreenShield Canada, Nicola Wealth, and Power Financial. For more information, visit peggyvandeplassche.com.